Nice Guys, Confused Girls and Emotional Dildos

It was Monday night and the phone rang just as I was settling in for an evening of Kung Pao chicken, satellite TV, and a cold beer with which I intended to have a short but meaningful relationship.
I looked at the caller ID and against my better judgment answered it.

“Hey.”

“Hey, Patricia called me back!” the voice on the other end announced.

The voice belonged to my buddy, Mark, a brilliant engineer, hopeless romantic, and unfortunately nice guy. The ’she’ he was referring to was Patricia, an upwardly mobile professional, emotional work in progress, and the latest mistake for whom Mark had fallen head over heals.

“That’s great, Mark. But didn’t you leave her a message, like, three days ago?”

Posted: March 16th 2008 - General | 1 Comment »

Hammer Me, Baby!

My buddy, Khai, the full time surfer and part time dentist, called me the other day. “Hey, man. How’s it goin’?” he said when I answered the phone. “Haven’t heard from you in a while. Was beginning to think something had happened to you.”

“Yeah, I guess you could say something happened alright. I remodeled my home.”

“What?! You’re kidding, right?”

“Nope. Afraid not.”

There was a pause. “Dude! What the fuck made you do that?”

It was a good question. Why did I decide to remodel my home? What latent sadomasochistic tendencies drove me to abandon reason, common sense and financial liquidity?

Posted: March 9th 2008 - General | No Comments »

On The Brink of Change

“You can masturbate all you want but it won’t prepare you for sex!”

Never let it be said that lawyers don’t have a way with words. This particular pearl of wisdom was being proffered by Ron Parker, tax evasion specialist, self-proclaimed gym rat and lover of rock ballads. He was a good enough guy, easy to get along with and over time had more than made up for the rock ballad thing with free personal training advice.

“You know, Ronnie,” I replied, reaching into the locker for my gym bag, “that analogy wouldn’t bother me so much if you weren’t standing there naked. And by way, has anyone ever taught you the concept of personal space? In this case, I’m going to need to ask for about six feet.”

Posted: March 2nd 2008 - General | 1 Comment »